I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old