I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.