I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
time for some seasonal decor
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me