I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
How animals would run if they were human
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.