I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
You Might Also Like
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.