I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
You Might Also Like
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Every work call, he judges.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?