@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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@capricecrane: People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It's just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
@crylosec: [train station] Man: hey you. Woman: Hi. M: i'm Christian. W: That's a pickup line? *rolls eyes, walks away M: ugh. i hate my name.
@TheRolo: Wife: I think we need a break. *Titanic crashes into iceberg* Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED? Wife: Yes.