I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
something like this could probably happen to anyone
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!