I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The human personality is made of five key elements
this is 10/10 content no notes
I have never heard an armadillo before.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement