I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk