I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.