I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Brother?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet