@squirrel74wkgn: I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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@AntozWolf: Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going.
@MarfSalvador: [Looking at the vast night sky] Her: What do you think about other life forms? Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit
@OneFunnyMummy: On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."