I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
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Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…