I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
You Might Also Like
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp