I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
this has to be peak English
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem