i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If I ignore life will it go away?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.