I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
sensitive skin
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.