“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.