I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
just got my engagement photos
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I love art.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass