gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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So that’s what we looked like?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Breaking news:
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?