Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.