I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Based Erika
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
work smarter, not harder
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*