“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Don’t talk down to me
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
When they try to steal your moment.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.