I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts