I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?