I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
You Might Also Like
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If only
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”