@ilovepie84: I'm not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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@MomOfTeen: Twitter has ruined me. Just wrote "we'll deliver your load on time" for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
@Home_Halfway: FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome ME: Thanks. It's just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310
@heytherejeffro: Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.