I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.