Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park