I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm