I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Finished stitching this today 😇
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: