@Darlainky: I'm not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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@Jmboyd58: *wife runs back into our house which is on fire* What are you doing!? W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
@flashember: [Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
@AnkCoupleTO: If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn't be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
@cowboyjeffkent: Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .