I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: okā¦daddyā¦ā¦whatā¦ā¦doesā¦ā¦despacito…ā¦mean?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, āI donāt think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.ā So she said sorry to the water bottle
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, weāre not going. Itās enough just to know you would.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem š
Someone called me a ācomplete piece of crapā today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, Iām a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
excuse me
Why do people say Iām washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help š¤š§
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you donāt like them enough to take to dinner.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: thatās your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.