I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…