I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.