@NYC_Blonde: I'm not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
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@Mr_Kapowski: Me: I'm in the mood for dessert *winks at wife* [2 hours later] Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
@HrBry: Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
@TheHatStore: WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?