I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
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Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
We all have our pet causes.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?