I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
no!! no!!!!!!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Is….Is this an option?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]