I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
guys I’m going home
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.