I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.