@Julie_McGann1: I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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@DamienFahey: I wouldn't wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
@handsock_butts: Me: I didn't get anything this year. Do you think Santa's magic...is running out? Wife: Santa isn't real Me: Don't lie to save my feelings
@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom* Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am? Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
@KatMcSnatch: Recipe for homemade charcoal: 1. Put dinner in the oven. 2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet...