I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.