I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon