I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
You Might Also Like
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.