Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long