Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.