Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My flabber has been gasted.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?