@kumailn: "I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18
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@jjhartinger: If a 4-year-old says, "I'm scared there's a monster living under my bed" Don't reply, "Oh, that's where he's been hiding." I know that now.
@mrtruthandsoul: I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair