@kumailn: "I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18
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@_ElvishPresley_: Me: (accidentally crushes the World's Smallest Violin) Guy who owns the World's Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
@KeetPotato: barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!
@KentWGraham: It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.