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@kumailn: "I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18
@_4kidscrazy: Birth control??? Here watch my kids for 10 minutes.
@naazihah: Let's all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
@TheBoydP: Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy...
@tastefactory: *watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
@MartaEffing: Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.