Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”