I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?