I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.