when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.