[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You Might Also Like
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
shit just got real
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive