[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.