I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
was Jim off killing horses or…
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
that de-escalated quickly
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer