I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”